Let Love Bleed
by Slavus
Summary: Well, I don't know what this counts as, but this is supposed to sort of be Oliver Sykes of Bring Me The Horizon. I guess. I don't know. I really like this story. So, if you want me to write more, recommend? Like? I don't know do what it is you do on this site!


5/7/12

You know, I hate everything.. I have almost no friends and, I always fuck everything up. It's ridiculous… I can't do a single thing right.. Even my dad hates me.. He's such an asshole… He likes to "joke around" with me a lot... He calls me gay all the fucking time… And, its not just that. He points out all of my flaws like jokes…And he wonders why I'm suicidal and cut myself…

He likes to tell me it's "cool" and that I do it to "fit in." He tells me that I wont fit in.. He just LOVES to make fun of the music I listen to. My music is what keeps me alive.. If I didn't have music.. I don't know where I would be..

But… Then I met Oli… He's perfect… I just… I'm in love with him…He's

everything I want… He's perfect.. I love him..

Oh, yeah and we have a band. We're called "Life of Kings." I sing and Oli plays guitar.. WE still need a bassist and a drummer. We don't really know what direction we want to go yet.. We wanna go sort of screamo or pop-ish. But, when Oli sings screamo... Its so damn hot..

Chapter One.

I go to school at Columbine High in Colorado. I don't really have many friends. I have about one friend. My boyfriend Oli. He's amazing. My dad hate me and I don't see my mom a lot.. She lives all the way across the country in Wisconsin. I don't really miss her that much, she's not a great mother.

I used to live with her. But, she beat me, so I live with my dad now. I don't have many friends here. We just moved here a couple months ago. Nobody really pays attention to me but Oli. He's so perfect. He's what keeps me alive. I've been so depressed and suicidal lately. My dad makes jokes about it all the fucking time.

On my walk to school Oli came up and hugged from the back. I love it when he does that. It's so sweet. He spun me around and gave me a kiss. "Good morning, cutie," Oli said.

Hey sexy," I said with a wink. I grabbed his hand and we walked to school. We had some small talk here and there. Nothing really major.

When we got to school everyone gave us dirty looks. Just like they do everyday. But, Oli is so damn hot. I don't care what they say about us. I'm happy, so fuck them. Everything is right when I'm with Oli. He makes me forget all of my worries. It's amazing.

I left Oli at the front of the school with his friends like I usually do. I walked to my locer to put my stuff away and grab my books. I walked to Balanced Literacy early, like always, and sat in the back of the room and started reading poetry (Edgar Allen Poe). After a while kids started filing in. No one sat anywhere near me. Like always. Everything in this school is either boring or painful.

This school is killing me bit by bit. Thank god I only have a couple months left until graduation. Then I'm free of this hellhole. After B.L I had science. That was a drag. I love my teacher, she's amazing. But, everyone in that class is such a dick. All of the people I used to call "friends" are in there. But, they all treated me like shit so I try to ignore them. It hurts though, they were the people I connected to most. And, now they're gone. I can't stand them. All I need is Oli.

After science was math. Math is always fine. Then I have lunch. Probably the worst part of my day. Everybody gives me dirty looks. I just sit alone, in the back of the cafeteria. Unless Oli notices me. Then he has me sit by him and his friends. I just sit awkwardly next to him eating until lunch is over. I always hear his friends say shit about me when I leave. I hate it all.

After lunch I have Social Studies, then P.E, then band, and french. After school I usually go over to Oli's house and we jam a far, we have a couple songs down. We have, Say It Ain't So by Weezer, First Date by Blink-182, Lego House by Ed Sheeran and There is by Boxcar Racer..

After all that fun stuff Oli usually walks me home. We've been dating for almost a month and it's still really awkward. But, he's so adorable. I can't freaking stand it! And when he sneaks out and surprises me with a knock at my window is so sweet. I love him. When we got to my house he left me with an amazing kiss. He's so perfect.

As soon as I walked in my dad barked at me. "Where the fuck were you!"

I told him I was just at Oli's practising.

He said "Whatever," and wandered back into his man cave.

I walked into my room and turned up my music. As my dad likes to call it "cats dying and people screaming nonsense." I hate the way he talks about my music. My music is me. I hate when people make fun of it. It pisses me off so much. I love my music. ANd, it's not like all of the music I listen too is "cats dying and people screaming nonsense." Some of it is actually really good. I just can't stand it.

I took out my razors and started going crazy. There was tears and blood everywhere. I slowly dragged it along my wrists. The pain feels so amazing. I don't even remember when I started. There just has always been scars. For a really long time. And nobody cares anymore. It's not like I

I took out my "diary" and started writing about today... There's blood everywhere..

5/8/12

Today was okay... Nothing really happened.. It was just a normal day for me. Quiet. Boring. Everyone still hates me. Like that will ever change... I'm just a stupid fuck up... Nobody will ever give a shit about me. I just don't know what to do anymore... I... I've been having thoughts about killing myself... It... Seems like a way I should go... And, I just don't know anymore...

Everyday the idea becomes better and better.. I haven't told Oli yet... I don't know what he'd say if I told him... He'd probably hate me... I need to find a way to bring it up to him.. I'm really scared...  
I think I might try hanging out with my "friends" again.. Maybe it'll turn out better. I really hope so.. Because I need someone to talk to. And, I'm too scared to talk to Oli because I'm scared of what he'll say about me... He'll probably think of me as a freak with too many problems and leave me... And, thats the last thing I want... He knows about my cutting though.. He kisses my scars, and I love it... It makes me feel needed.. Like he cares about me... And, thats why I love him... I guess I'm just paranoid.

I want this to end... I want all of my pain to go away. Tomorrow... I think I should leave tomorrow, for a long time... It's time for me to go.. But, I want Oli to be there... I want him to tell me goodbye...

Chapter Two.

I wake up at six every morning. My dad always wakes me up and reminds me to take my pill, before he leaves. I'm supposed to take a pill for my ADHD every morning. Which I usually don't. Then I shower when the bathroom is open. Then after my shower I get dressed and blast music. If it's nice outside, I skate to school. I have this one friend I knew since I was little that I skate with a lot. He's cool, I guess. He's homeschooled though, so I don't see him at school.

It was really rainy today, so I put on my jacket and headed out. I knew I wouldn't see Oli because his mom drives him to school when it gets bad out. She doesn't like him walking to school in the rain. She's really over protective of him. At least his parents accept him for being gay though. His parents will always love him. And, mine... Hate me. But, that doesn't matter. Let's focus on the story at hand here.

On the walk to school I saw this girl on her porch. She was just sitting there crying. I felt terrible just walking by. I wish I could help, but I can't talk to strangers. I get terrified. I hate strangers so much. But, I wish I wasn't like that. Because I would have helped her. Or, at least try to. Because, even though I'm always like that, no one deserves that feeling. I know, that makes me a hypocrite. But, it's true.

When I got to school, everyone was in the gym. I sat on the bleachers and started drawing. I love to draw. It makes it all better. It's my escape, besides writing and music. I just, don't understand it. And, it's not like I'm any good at it. I just love doing it. It's one of those things. You know what I'm talking about right? That special feeling you get when you just start getting happy? Anyways. Back to reality.

The morning was a pretty normal morning. Quiet. Depressing. Boring. All that fun stuff. But, lunch was weird. Oli's friends were talking to me. It was awkward. And, I gave up on my friends. It was a stupid idea. They're still assholes. But, Oli's friends are actually kinda cool. Like, his friends are really freaking cool.

After lunch, I hid in the bathroom for a little bit. I couldn't stop crying. But, I had to suck it up and go to class. I got off from on top of the toilet, wiped my eyes, and went to class. When I walked in the teacher asked me, "Where were you?"

"In the bathroom," I said brushing it off and quickly pacing to my seat in the back.

The teacher went back to teaching. After a while she gave us work to do, independently. She came up to me and saw how red my eyes were and asked me what was wrong. I looked her dead in the eyes and said "Leave me the fuck alone." And she walked away. I'm surprised I didn't get a detention or anything. I usually would have gotten suspended because this school is strict as fuck.

I hate Gym so much. I just don't like the fact that I have to change. Just, all of those guys in one room. I get so insecure. At least I don't have to worry about that after today. All my problems will fade away. Nobody will even notice. I'll be gone forever. And, it'll solve all of my problems. But, yeah, back to gym. We just ran all class. We did about a two mile run. I was really sweaty so I asked the teacher if I could go early to shower. He said that it was cool.

So, I ran inside, since we were running around the school, and took a shower. I got dressed just as everyone came in. I walked out of the locker room and sat on the bench and started reading. As everyone ran out they called me "Gayboy", "Queer", "Fag" and shit like that. I'm used to it though. I just look at them say "Thank you," and smile.

Band was cool. So was french. Just sit in the back and do what I need to. Thats basically what everything is. I sit in the background. Not even a main character in my own story. I'm the kid you see, but you don't really _**see.**_I'm always in the background of the main plot. But, I think It's time I start and finish my own story.

After school I met Oli at his locker and told him to meet me at the tracks in an hour. I needed time to go home and finish my letter. IT took me awhile but, I finally finished it.

Dear Whoever Fucking Cares,

I have to do this. It's time.. I've been here for too long, and all I seem to do is cause pain. I hurt too many people. It's too hard. You know? I can't go on like this. You all hate me anyway. My own family doesn't even accept me. So, I think it's time I leave. I just... This whole thing is gonna just be me repeating the same thing over and over...

My friends treated me like shit.. So, I only have Oli... And, he's amazing. But, don't know what to do with the rest of my life. I'm a fuck up.. I struggle just trying to fit in... And, if that's how it is now... I can't help but think that this is how it's always gonna be... SO, it's over. GAME OVER. THE END. FIN. Fuck it all.

All I feel is sadness.. My arms are covered in scars. My legs are covered... Just scars everywhere.. I'm going insane here... My dad treats me like shit. The funny part is, I don't even think he cares. He probably enjoys it. You're probably expecting this to be super long just because it's a suicide note. Aren't you? Well, thats even worse. Because I still can't be good enough for you in death...

And, now that my life is spiraling downwards... I have nowhere left to turn. No one to go to... I can't even trust a therapist... SO, I have to do this. NOt only for my sake. But, for everyone else's. So, I can stop holding Oli back...

I'm just a shitty person aren't I. Well, I can't stand it either, so I'm gonna do us both a favor and kill myself. The funny part is you're all thinking "Finally! This fucking pussy finally grew some balls!" Just to let you know, I'm smiling as I write this. It's making me happy to be strong enough to end it.

I can't believe this.. All this... Happiness in writing this. I haven't been this happy in a long time. I forgot what it felt like... But, I guess this is goodbye. Oli... I love you so damn much...

Yours in Eternity.

Sam L.

Chapter Three.

After I wrote my letter I cleaned up a little and put my letter on my desk. I told my dad I was going over to Oli's to "do homework." He bought it, thankfully. When I started walking to the tracks the rain slowed down to a drizzle. But, it was really cloudy and dark. I pt my hood up, and my music in and drowned out the outside world.

By the time I got to the tracks, Oli was sitting on the hill waiting for me. When he saw me he ran up to me gave me a hug, and twirled me around. HE looked me dead in the eyes, brushed aside my hair, and gave me a kiss. All he said was, "I love you."

"I have to talk to you," I said hesitantly.

"What about?"  
"The way I think my life is going."

"Oh," He said dropping his voice in a depressing manner.

"Yeah," I said while grabbing his hand and sitting on the hill next to the tracks, "I hate my fucking life. I feel like I'm accomplishing nothing. Like, I have nothing going for me. You know what I mean?"

"Yeah, I actually do."

"It's just hard for me to go on."

"Don't you fucking do this to me. Don't you dare go," he said, the sound of a train off in the distance.  
I stood up took his hands and backed up until I was just at the edge of the tracks. I whispered in his ear, "I love you," gave him a kiss and fell back onto the train.

Oli broke down and got on his knees, bawling. With his face in his hands, and tears falling down his face he yelled at the top of his lungs, "Why! God dammit! I hate you. I hate you for leaving me! Just, god dammit why! Why did you do this! I... I'm sorry..."

5/10/12

So, Sam died... And, I think I'm gonna keep writing in here everyday. Just to remember him. So, I can have a token of his love... He'd want this.. Yeah...

So, after Sam did it, I didn't know what to do... So, I ran to his house, tears rushing down my face... I told his parents... They called the police, and I told them everything.. His dad screamed at me, "It's all your fucking fault! Why didn't you fucking stop him! You could have saved him! You stupid fuck!"

I did my best to ignore that stupid fucking prick. Before the cops left, one asked me if I wanted a ride home. I told him I wanted to walk home to take this all in, to think... He said alright, and told me not to do something stupid..

All I could think about on the walk home is what I'm gonna do without him... He was the only reason I could tolerate this stupid school. But... I have to go on... It's all my fault... I could have saved him... I could have stopped him... I should have, but I didn't...

Sam, I just want you to know... I love you with all my heart. I will never stop. And, I will never forget about you. You'll always be in my heart. Just... Why, Sam..? Why.. I miss you so fucking much... I started cutting again... It's been years... I... I'm sorry... I love you...

Oli...


End file.
